Trying and Resting

I have been in a spiritual struggle for a few weeks.  I want to know God more personally, intimately, and fully.  I have prayed, listened, dreamed, and read the Magnificent Word.  I have had some breakthrough, but it seems like the longing in my heart is more desperate that when this trial began.  I woke up this morning quoting those amazing chapters in John which are the final words of Jesus to His disciples.

They were anxious.  They did not want Jesus to go away, and the earthquake changes that were just ahead were more than they could humanly bear.  And the more I thought about His words, and their words, the more I heard my own prayers in these days.  Jesus, I want you right here with me.  Don’t go away.  I am asking questions out of my insecurity instead of Your call to risk.  I don’t want to think about the future.  I just want to enjoy Your presence now.  Come to me.  Fill my life with Your joy.

And He gently rebuked me through the same words He spoke that night to His disciples, “If you loved me, you would rejoice because I said I go to my Father, for my Father is greater than I….I have many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now…When the Comforter is come, He will guide you…Peace I leave with you, not as the world gives.”

If Jesus had done what the disciples’ anxious hearts cried out for, He would have stayed on earth.  They would have lived a life of contentment and joy, miracles and popularity, and plenty of material comforts.  These are the human desires that must be transformed in our minds until they align with what God is doing in the earth, and the only way that can happen is for the Holy Spirit to guide us into truth.  When I pray for more of Jesus, I am asking for less of this world’s comforts.  I am asking for boldness to take risks that will collide with evil and conquer all things that are contrary to His perfect will on earth.  I am asking to let go of everything except the Kingdom of God on earth and trust Him alone to add those things to my life.  My prayers are so focused on the things.  Like the disciples on Jesus’ final night, I want to know where He is going, lay out the plan, explain the why, give me options!

He told me to stop struggling so.  Stop grasping for what I cannot define.  I surrendered again this morning to the One who has conquered death.  It is good that He has gone away in the material sense, so that this temporary life does not become so precious that I lose sight of what He has prepared for me when I am with Him always.  I need no answers except those revealed to me by the Holy Spirit who has come to me just like Jesus promised.   When I empty my heart desires of all the clutter, there is room for Him to heal.  The sorrow and anxiety are replaced with joyful anticipation of the work of the unlimited power of Almighty God.  The Holy Spirit is at work in this world to convict of sin, and to show everyone the righteousness of God (John 16:8-10).  I am in awe of His great work.  I will get my focus off of having Jesus here with me for my own comfort and to take care of my many “things.”  He has gone away.  His Comforter has come to establish the Kingdom of our Lord and of His Christ.  And He shall reign forever.

Thy Kingdom come, Thy will be done, in earth as it is in heaven.  (Matthew 6:10)  Here Lord, now, in my heart, in my home, in my city, in the whole earth where God the Holy Spirit is at work to answer the prayer You taught us to pray always.

About thegriefexperience

I have recently published a book for grieving people called Comfort and Joy available at my website, I received my Doctor of Education degree from the University of Louisville, and also hold a Master of Science degree and a Physician Assistant degree. I lived as a short term missionary in Swaziland, South Africa, prior to my life as a grief coach and author. My story is about the fact that I am an expert in grief, learning through the goodness of God to navigate a life of sudden turns and repeated trauma that brought grief and loss. I have learned about grief as an unwilling student in a life shaken by sudden death, suicide, and devastating illness. I have been widowed three times, and have raised five children in the midst of earthquake life changes. I have counseled, written and taught classes on The Grief Experience because it is what I have learned well. No amount of education or theory prepares you for multiple experiences of death and loss. But I have found healing in Jesus Christ who is the only One who has conquered death. What He has done for me, He will do for you. Visit my blog at
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